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The Boom

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Screech-eech-eech. Varooooooommmm.....

Every night it's the same damn thing. Slim Shady lookalike wanna-be pimps cruising around town in their souped up Ford Escorts or Chevy Cavaliers, driving like frickin' assholes. Gimme a break.

I would love, someday, to ask these little morons just what their motivation is behind vibrating the whole neighborhood with their woofers. Why they put those stupid spoilers that look like shopping cart handles on the back of their cars. Why they put more money into ground effects, stereos and tacky-as-hell metal flake paint jobs than the Kelly Blue Book value of the entire car. But queries would fall on deaf ears. Literally. Could you imagine just how damaged their ear drums must be?

I wouldn't need to ask why they tint their windows, though. I wouldn't want to be seen driving in one of those cars either.

I'm guessing they do it for the same reason young men do anything. To get girls. There's one ... ok, several ... flaws in this theory. For one thing, young women like to talk. A lot. And it's pretty hard to carry on a conversation while The Insane Clown Posse is blasting. Another thing, you'll notice, is that when chickies are driving around in their cute little girl cars, you rarely hear their music streaming out of their windows. Girls don't typically listen to music loudly. They don't seem to like having their tushies, not to mention their teeth, vibrated by booming stereos. And finally, when young ladies are being courted by their suitors (translation: when guys are trying to get in their pants), they like having money spent on them. When all of Slim's paycheck from the burger joint or car wash is going into his pimp-mobile, he's not going to having anything to spend on his little Sweet'ums. This will make Sweet'ums mad, and she'll go out and find a guy who can afford both wheels and a honey.

This is why you often see bright yellow sparkley Fords or purple jazzed-up Chevy's with a for sale sign on the window in front of McDonalds or Sparkle-Brite. Good Old Slim's desire to have sex won out over his natural instict to look and act like an ass.

But... but... What about those hot chicks in bikinis in Lowrider Magazine?

They're models. They get paid to do that. Don't believe them. A pimped out car is not going to help you take Old One Eye to the optomotrist.

But... but... I met this girl and she said she loved my car! She said it was cool.

Young women have been known to lie while flirting. Then again, I'm sure there are some girls out there who do like loud music and fast cars. I mean, there's some people who get off on having someone poop on them, so anything is possible.

See Also:
The Boom, Part Two
The Boom, Part Three

 

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